trapped

She lays there, trapped in the cycle of her thoughts that won’t allow her to let them go. Going over and over on the pain of being trapped there. She notices he climbs into bed behind her. As she’s asleep , her body recognizes his presence and tightens up. He wraps his arm around her waist , feeling her legs and backside. She knows what is coming and knows there’s nothing she can do to stop it because her body is now frozen in fear. He slides her pants down that she had put on on purpose hoping it would deter him. Putting his hand between her legs , moving her onto her back. She is so scared , and heart broken once again as her tears come rolling down. As she’s trapped inside her body unable to scream. He pulls down his pants, inserting himself into her. Moving her legs and body as it suits him. As if she were a lifeless body. The fear is overwhelming . He finishes inside and on her. Pulling up his pants , he takes the blanket and wipes his fluid off of her motionless body. Pulling her pants back up , sliding her in close and he falls asleep , relaxed and released while breathing on her cheek. She lays there for hours , terrified of waking up. Terrified of returning to normal in the morning as if nothing had just happened. As if she didn’t just want to die.
The sun comes , and just as she feared , he greats her with a smile and good morning. This would be her ‘normal’ for the next 10 years. With no escape , with no way out. All while playing this game of house , and as always greeting me each morning with a smile.

whatever comes our way

Another new years come and gone. Another year of uncomfortable looks across the living room , smiling for our girls and acting as naturally happy as we’re physically able. All while you’ve been sleeping on the couch for the last year and we don’t know how to be around each other. I’ve thought and prayed long and hard on this and have come to a decision , one that has not been easy to make nor did I lack in trying to fix and pick up pieces to try and fix whatever’s left between us. But you don’t seem to care. You think I’ll just stay forever no matter what kind of damage you do to me. But I know who I am! Not in myself but I’m my Father ! He does not say that I have to stay under all and any circumstances. In fact , he says that if you’ve made all the plans to help the person out (go see multiple pastors, talk to friends and family) and is STILL rejected, then to distance yourself from that person. If that person REPEATEDLY hurts you while knowing it’s hurting you incredibly bad then REMOVE YOURSELF. And that is where we are at. This new years going to look alot different but I know I won’t be doing any of it alone. Gods by my side, his Holy Spirit will speak, guide, and help me as I need it. God is good , ALL the time.

unimaginable

what if I could wrap my arms around you and finally feel safe. What if I could touch your cheek and not feel as though I was falling through ice. What if I could kiss you and not die immediately. What if we could skip around, free. Feeling the wind in our hair and the dirt underneath our feet. No worries to try and push us down. What if. What if it wasn’t so far away. What if it was so close we could almost touch it. What if it wasn’t impossible. What if we weren’t impossible. We’ll never know. You’ll be there and I’ll be here never fully able to touch you. Never able to reach out and grab you. Never able to love you with my whole heart again. Never able to give you everything i always dreamed of. Never being able to fully let go. I will never let you go. I carry you along in my mind. In the forbidden place I pretend that doesn’t exist. Where the walls slowly start to close in around me. But still I continue to carry you in my mind never allowing you to leave me. Don’t ever leave me.

I hope so

happy new year? I hope so. What will evolve and unfold throughout these next months. Will the distance between us become inexistent? Will our problems stop lingering over us? Will the holes finally be filled? Will you see me ? Will you allow me to heal? Will you allow us to heal. Will we become stronger together or weaker as the moments pass. Will we make up our mind on us? Will we decide to dive into each other or chose to stay away forever. Will we run in the same direction or fade out as we run apart. Will the pain finally go away? Will I go away? What will become of us. What will happen.
I pray that whatever happens, we both remember where we began. Where it all started and never lose sight of that. I pray it’s all we ever dreamed of. That it can unfold into something beautiful. I’m fearful of it dying and becoming dust. I’m fearful and relieved at the thought of losing you. I’m fearful of becoming alone. Im fearful of losing you completely and see you come running full speed toward me once it’s too late. I’m so fearful. I’m relieved at the thought of not fighting for nothing anymore. Not trying to be everything for you while you look right through me. Of trying to help you grow when you’re trying to kill me. I’m relieved. And I’m fearful.
I pray this year brings joy and growth. However that may look.

alone or by your side I know I will be strong. Not for you but for me.

when is it time

Her mom is three months pregnant, she starts to get sick and starts bleeding. Her and her husband head to the small hospital close by. The doctor checks her out and in reply tells them they’ve lost their baby. And they need to do a scrapping to remove it. Her husband looks at her and replies saying no. Just no. There is no way their baby is not perfectly healthy. And that they are leaving immediately. They leave and 6 months later deliver a healthy baby girl.

Baby is now 3 months , she gets incredibly ill. Her mom is wondering if she will make it through as such a small baby and survive this. But she does. She gets better and begins to thrive again.

Girl is now almost 2. Her and her family had a long trip to make throughout a night to attend a wedding the next day. Hundreds of miles away, the girls aunt was sound asleep when she was awoken in panic. Waking her husband and telling him that this girl was in trouble and she would die that night. Sobbing, she said she just knew something bad was about to take place. A while later that night receiving a call from someone in the family informing them that there was an accident and this girls dad had passed away in it. Taking her place is what they always said.

Shes 4. She wakes up, feeling the warmth on her face trying to collect as much strength to rise again and start her day. She immediately has a strange feeling. Running outside into the field where her brother and sister had already begun their work. Telling them that she didn’t know why she felt this way but she was certain that she would be dead in three days. They laughed at her and told her to ignore it and get to work. She heads into her day unable to escape this strange feeling of uncertainty about what was going to happen to her. Three days later and she is still there. Them laughing in her face telling her she was wrong and they knew it. Her confused as to why she was yet again spared. She was so certain, so she thought this must be yet another chance to be better.

she’s 7. She again awakes , this time having a harder time putting on her smile and getting to work. But she does it. Again she is Interrupted by the strange feeling that she is going to die. Very soon. She again goes to her siblings telling them it’s happened again and maybe this time she won’t get another chance. Them again laughing and brushing her off. She writes in her journal praying that she would be able to stay a little longer. To make sure her sister has someone there for her because she pushes everyone away without even knowing it. To make sure her big brother doesn’t hurt himself and drown in the loneliness. To make sure he knows she’s proud of him. To make sure her baby brother knows what beauty looks like even when everything around looks dark and unbearable. To make sure her mom is okay. To be there to listen to her and reassure her when times get hard. To make sure they all stay strong together. She prayed and she awoke yet again. Feeling so grateful to be there with them one more day.

It was her 14th birthday. Her boyfriend was over, celebrating her. She was surrounded by her very favourite people. She heads downstairs to go to the bathroom and is overwhelmed with the feeling that she won’t be there for her 15th. The feeling runs to deeply into her she is overtaken with tears. She sits on the floor wailing, she is certain. She wipes her tears, returns and continues on like this wasn’t overwhelming her thoughts every second that night. And every night for the next year. And then she turned 15. She made it once again.

She opens up to her mom about these instances. Her moms eyes well up with tears, then proceeds to tell her that when her and her dad began dating he revealed to her that he knew that he would not be able to to grow old with her because he wasn’t going to live into his later years. Her always confused and worried as to why he thought that and ignoring it. He died at 27. He had said that from young on that he wouldn’t be around long. And he was right.

she is now 25. She gets awoken by the sweet sounds of her girls singing in the next room. She takes a moment to open her eyes and immediately she is reminded of that feeling of utter sadness that this feeling comes with. Yet again. She is afraid she will be going home soon. But this time she’s so deeply saddened because her girls need her. They need her to be there. She feels as though she needs to write everyone letters and make sure all her things are taken care of. She doesn’t know if she’ll make it into tomorrow but she knows that each day she wakes is another day to be grateful for. This feeling hasn’t left for quite sometime. But she knows whenever it does take place, that she is ready to go home. She knows that there is a perfect time.
Not her own but the Lords.

July 8,2020

she feels as though things were finally falling into place. So many years of jumping around with so much uncertainty. She was married, living in a beautiful home with her girl and husband. Happy , genuinely. And then she found out that you were coming. They were so excited for their family to finally be growing after 5 years. The nausea and fatigue came like a heavy storm but still her heart was so excited for what was to come. You. All the things you would do. The joy you were already adding to their family.
It was Monday morning, he left for work early, before the sun arrived. She woke up with the sun on her face and excited to start a new day. They went into town to help a friend with her bridal shower, staying later to also attend said bridal shower. She ate some snacks and then went to go pee. She sat down with relief of silence. She glanced down and saw blood. Her heart instantly sank and she started to panic. She consoled herself and exited the bathroom. Asking a friend if she had any feminine product available for her to use. With concern in her friends eyes knowing she was pregnant gave her the item. Going to pack up her daughter to leave the shower, she waved goodbye with a smile on her face trying to not seem panicked and left. She gets into the car while answering all 400 of her 4 year olds questions while trying not to break down completely. She can feel the bleeding is getting worse and this baby is leaving her. She drives straight to her mother in laws home and brings her inside. Them being unaware that she is coming, they are excited to see them. She stops at the door while handing her daughter and diaper bag to her mom. Her mom looking at her with concern, she says she doesn’t want to talk about it around her daughter. She hugs her mom while asking quietly if she can have her daughter that night. That she is losing her baby and she needs the night. She says of course and she walks out while beginning to sob uncontrollably. She begins to drive, hardly able to see the roads, because the tears won’t stop pouring down her face. she drives the 15 minutes till home. Not sure on what to do or what to think she calls her husband. She is sobbing and he is concerned as to what is happening. She proceeds to tell him through her tears that she began bleeding that evening and she is afraid she is losing her sweet baby. He tells her not to worry and that everything will be fine. She agrees and hangs up the phone fully knowing that he is wrong. She sits in her car for an hour crying and pleading with God to stop this from happening. She can’t lose her. She can’t lose anyone else or she’s afraid she’ll lose herself. She finally goes inside and sits down as the stomach pain begins. She lays there bleeding, cramping and crying deep into the night. Longing for her baby to stay. Wishing her husband was there to feel the pain with her. The sun has arrived and she is not ready to greet the day. She hears a knock at the door , it’s her mom and sister. They are concerned for her. Her husband had informed them of what had been happening and sent them to check on her. She opens the door and goes back to the couch. Again sobbing uncontrollably. She doesn’t want to talk , she doesn’t want to listen. She doesn’t want anything but her baby. She lays there praying that God would save her baby. Hours go by and she heads to the bathroom to sit on the toilet a while. her cramps and stomach pain were almost unbearable. She feels the need to push and feels something about to exit her body. She reaches her hand down and felt a weight drop into her hand. Her heart breaks. She is holding her baby before she is ready to enter this world. She dreams for their life together were suddenly gone and she didn’t know what to do. She sat there holding this child, frozen. Feeling such a deep loss, like something had stabbed her in the gut.
she wraps her up and lays her to rest beneath a large tree in the yard. Alongside her daughter , they say goodbye to their baby and sister. Leaving with a huge hole in her stomach that her baby used to fill. She needs her husband. She needs someone to be with their daughter so she can grieve this huge sudden loss. She calls him, sobbing. She begs him to come home but he says he can’t because they’re 10 hours away. She goes on. Falling into a huge pit of depression. She carries on, being a mother, a friend, a sister. Putting on a brave face. Days later, he is finally coming home. Feeling like she’s lost everything while he wasn’t home made her feel alone. Isolated. He walks up to her looking at her with worry in his eyes. She wraps her arms around him and begins sobbing once again. He doesn’t understand the pain because he can’t. He wasn’t there to watch you deliver your baby. He wasn’t there to lay her to rest. he wasn’t there. There is this huge gap now between them because he can’t understand her pain and she’s upset that he doesn’t see it. They move forward , one day accidentally letting it slip that he could’ve come home when she was losing her. He could’ve taken the truck home early to be with her. But he turned down the opportunity. Telling his boss that she would be okay and that he was here to work. That coming out and entering her ears was probably the worst thing she’d ever heard. She couldn’t believe in a time of such pain and loss, he chose to stay away. He chose to leave her to handle it. Once again. She is broken, utterly ripped apart. She can’t take the pain any longer. She doesn’t know how to continue on like this. And everyday she remembers her sweet girl that left too soon. She remembers the feeling of loss that still holds tightly onto her. She feels it all each day. She gets up and she mothers , and she listens to her friends and she helps whenever able. She does it all. Even though she has no desire to live. She does it all. Knowing that their must be a reason and that God must have a greater plan that she is just unable to see in that moment. She trusts. And gives it to God each day. Praying for tomorrow to be better.

She still feels the hole that was left. The gap that is in their family. The pain of not being able to know or hold her sweet baby. The pain doesn’t leave. Each day it holds on.

the night before Christmas

as she lay there in her big bed alone trying to keep warm on this cold winter night she is unable to feel like she can peacefully close her eyes and drift off. Just like any other night, she can’t stop her mind on wondering how such distance ever came between the two of you. The distance that overwhelms their home. In that moment deep into the night , she realized that she wasn’t sure if her heart was in love with him anymore. The pain her heart felt was abandonment, such a deep lonely feeling of heartache and sadness. Nothing could remove it, no matter what she did or what she tried to trick her mind into thinking she couldn’t drop the heartache. Maybe that was because she never saw genuine remorse. Like it didn’t matter to him why this distance ever existed. Therefore revealing to her that that in fact was not love. And she must have left it behind at some point. She looks at him while he watches his daughters open their gifts and is baffled at how calmly and put together he just sat there watching them. So content and oblivious.
She decides to take a step out and make him a coffee just the way he likes. She awkwardly walks up to him and hands it to him. He takes it as he sweeps past her. Not looking into her eyes or even saying thank you. Nothing. Silence. He moves on like nothing happened. Now she’s been swept back even farther. Having absolutely no idea on why he won’t talk to her she also moves on. All that keeps circulating her mind is the question on if she truly loves her husband anymore. How could this question be a reality. Her heart aches for him. The him that cared so deeply for her. And wanted to make sure she never had pain again.

How does she move forward from here. What does she do.

Merry Christmas

don’t sleep.

she’d lay there trying to keep her eyes open, dreaming about the future. Trying not to fall asleep. She tried so hard but always failed. She’d wake up in a panic, feeling the soaked bedsheets beneath her. She’s get up as quietly as she could , grabbing the spare blanket under the bed that she’d put there the day before, laying it underneath her. Then she’d go to the bathroom to clean herself up. He didn’t sleep much so she had to be extra careful. She’d get herself cleaned up, opening the door to quietly return to her bed, she is interrupted by him standing in front of the open door. Light shining bright on his unimpressed face. She instantly knew what most of the night would look like. He ordered her to remove all of her clothes in front of him , then tell her to get into the shower . He would turn the water to the coldest setting and make her stand in it, laughing at her. He’d fill containers of freezing cold water from the sink and splash it onto her all while she’s crying and begging him to stop. And he just continues to laugh. This went on for however long he felt like that day.

She was 5 . He was supposed to be protecting her, instead he broke her.

little did she know.

she was 13, it was a chilly summer night and she was having a couple drinks with her “friends” outside their mothers apartment when she got a text from her boyfriend, he was 22. At this time it was 2am , he texted saying “come to my work, I’m about to go on break!”
Without hesitation, she sneaks behind the building and started sprinting toward his workplace across town. Her “friends” got into their car once they noticed she was missing looking all over town to try and track her down with no luck. She arrives at his workplace and he meets her in a field beside his work.
He starts by saying “ should we do it right now? Might be romantic to do it on the grass” she doesn’t quite know what he means but agrees uncomfortably. He then tells her to remove her pants and undergarments. Which she does, he then looks at her and does the same. He then tells her to lay down and then proceeds to do his business for a couple minutes. Then stops and tells her he needs to use the bathroom, leaving her there naked in the grass in the middle of the night. Her feeling very uncomfortable and uncertain on what is actually happening she lays there waiting for his return. He returns after 20 minutes, finishes his business and then returns to work. Reminding her before leaving not to tell a soul and promise that she won’t.
She feels dirty, gross and confused. She calls her sister to come pick her up and goes back home. Goes into the bathroom and starts to cry and break down. She notices that she is bleeding now and not sure on what to think or do about it she goes to bed. She wakes the next morning feeling less than herself and tries to forget it ever happened.

but.
She never does. She lives with it every single day, trying to think how some man stole something so precious and valuable from her when she was a child.
Something she will never get back.

Skip ahead 10 years , she’s now married with children. She awakes one morning to the feeling that something went wrong last night. Feeling as though she had a horrible nightmare. Only to later realize that it in fact was not a nightmare but reality. Her husband had taken advantage of her throughout the night. She decided it must’ve been an accident or something crazy happened like sleep walking only sleep sex and tries to forget about it. Next night rolls around and she’s feeling really uncomfortable with going to sleep as she hasn’t mentioned to her husband that she knew and remembered what had happened. She lays down and tries to fall asleep as far away from him as possible . Only to be woken up with the same thing happening again. Only she’s half awake now. Almost in that dream faze where you know what’s going on but aren’t fully awake. She can hear him grunting in her ear , tossing and turning her body as he feels. She awakes again horrified at what had gone on during the night , she tries to forget because there has to be an explanation of some kind but feels unable to ask him what’s going on because the answer might completely break her. She moves on. She stays silent for 5 years. Doesn’t tell a soul. Not even her best friends. Until her body and mind cannot take it any longer and she goes into a flight or fight mode and her body just stops. She goes numb and starts to seize. Unable to stop having seizures for weeks, no one knows why this is happening all while he is right beside her , holding her hand telling her to get through this.
Months later , shes told from a specialist that this has started happening because of her trauma , childhood trauma. She’s told by the specialist to go to therapy to get her condition under control. She tries on multiple different occasions and cannot get herself to tell anyone what’s been happening. Again she stays silent and
she moves on, trying to forget.
A year later , she wakes up again to him having his way with her while she’s asleep. Afraid of being alone if she confronts him or getting in trouble she “forgets” and moves on.

4 years later, she wakes up multiple times a month to him having her way and her just co existing as a shell of who she once was.

she is still fighting. Every single day. Hoping that he will see her as she so desperately desires to be seen and loved. As she always has.
maybe one day.

I hope that day is tomorrow.

One morning

She woke up with a burning sensation being pushed into her ear. She had missed her alarm and that was against the rules. She was ripped from her dreams and plunged into her reality. He was there in her bunk bed with a syringe of scorching water squirting it deep into her ear.
It was time to make him breakfast. Get dressed and get to the kitchen. Making his papaya shake, a piece of apple pie from which her and her sister had made the night before , a piece of pumpernickel bread. She lays the food out on the table, perfectly set for him to enjoy his meal. She waits for him to finish and then cleans everything up and does the dishes. She’s standing by the sink doing dishes as she always did after breakfast and she was in the middle of drying a soup spoon then she suddenly started singing which she didn’t normally do. If she would then she’d at least sing under her breath or humm. But this time she was feeling confident, so she belted out a hymnal , feeling amazing and confident, she tells him that maybe she was good enough to be a singer one day. Just to be interrupted by him saying you are not a good singer, and you will never be a singer. Just shut up and do your work. In that moment , this young 7 year old girl feels her dreams being shattered. Her heart just wanted to break down and cry because she felt so differently. At this moment, she decided that he was most likely correct and she would not sing in front of anyone ever again. Her verbal abuse continued over the years, completely breaking her down and truly damaging something inside of her. Her life would be filled with pain and joy. Men would never take proper care of her so she was unable to feel safe. She would waver through many storms and pain during her young adulthood but always felt safe with her Heavenly Father. She heavily relied on the Lord for strength and wisdom on how to go about her life the best way she was able. She tries to do better with each day , for her and her family.
This was one morning of her 9 years in this home.