My Little light.

You came into my life when everything was so unstable. You came like a whisper in the night, so gentle and small. You gave me something to fight for. You gave me a whole new perspective on life and purpose. You changed my life in a way I never knew possible. You came into the world like a beautiful sunrise. You never fail to surprise and amaze me! Before I knew you, I didn’t know a love like this existed. I heard what people said but never knew, until you. When everything around me was falling apart you saved me. You gave me another chance. You gave us all another chance. Your smile lights up this world, you are so incredibly intelligent, your always ready to learn something new, you have eyes that make hearts melt (especially mine), your laugh brings joy to everyone that hears it, you are beautiful and 100% perfection. YOU are my daughter.

When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so scared I was going to mess you up. I thought I’d repeat the same parenting that I seen around me when I was growing up. But I was wrong, no not even close to being the perfect parent but every single day I chose to do what is best for you. Every decision I make is to do what is best for you. And I don’t think about because with every single bone in my body I want too. I want to be the best mom for you. I want to show you how amazing life can be if you lean on the Lord, I want to be able to teach you the things you need to know about this insane world so you don’t get hurt. I want to hold you in my arms and never let go. You are my light baby girl and you ALWAYS will be. There is nothing more important on this earth then you my sweet darlin!

I love you and will forever be so proud of the woman you are becoming!

You.

There’s something about you that i can not figure out. Something ive always seen just never thought anything of it. Something i fell in love with many years ago. Growing up the way i did, i had no idea what to except for my life. I didn’t know where i was going to go or what i wanted to do, but then i seen you. You cool guy that thought he was all that and a bag of chips, the guy that always tried to show off to impress, but you never needed any of that. You have something about you that makes you so special and me crazy, you make me mad and happy at the same time. I never fully knew how to handle you. I had never met anyone like you. So perfectly imperfect but yet trying to prove himself to everyone even though you wouldn’t have to because inside your beautiful. You’ve been bruised, hurt, told you wouldn’t succeed to anything, that your a screw up. But i see YOU. I see your willingness to help out whenever possible, i see your side that wants to love so badly but you cant let yourself be too vulnerable or someone might hurt you again. You act like the toughest guy in the room but all you really want is to be seen. You want to show them that you do have it but your too scared. Well baby, i see you. I see how you feel and i love every single thing about you. I see all your imperfections right along with mine because we’re human. You have something about you that i love to dearly when i go without it for too long i feel like i’m going thirsty, and my stomach starts to hurt. You kick me out of my comfort zone almost everyday, you embarrass me, you make me laugh, you make me go for the thing i dont think is possible. You changed my world. Yes we’ve both messed up but you, you were my beginning and you’ll always be my end. I love you more than words can say. God opened up my heart to love you and i know without a shadow of a doubt that i’m exactly where i need to be. i will love you until God takes my last breath. You’ve given me more than i could have ever dreamed of and i cannot wait to see what comes with every tomorrow we are given.

God made you in his hands, he made you exactly how he wanted you. He didn’t mess up, not in any way. You were made for a reason, and i know you are going to do incredible things with Jesus by your side and hopefully me as well. If something hard comes your way, i pray you will be okay and not let it take you down. I pray you continue to talk about Jesus and live every single day like its your last. Forever baby.

In the storm

So as i’ve mentioned in a previous blog, just a couple months ago completely random was doing great health wise, my body decided to shut down on me. And when i say shut down i mean literally. Couldn’t feel anything on my entire body, my jaw locked up and i passed out. And then i woke up.

So were going to go back a couple months previous to this day and i’m going to explain something.

I had been working a couple months on forgiving things people did to me a long time ago. And i was feeling very lite. i felt refreshed and new because after 18 years i had FINALLY let go. And let me just say, it is amazing to live without that fear and doubt always buzzing by your ear. Don’t get me wrong it’s an everyday battle but i most definitely know who i am now, and not just me i know who i am in the lord. Okay but anyways, i had been praying that God would give me something, anything! I didn’t say God make me paralyzed. I said God give me someone that needs to see you or give me something that will change my perspective and help me grow in my walk with you and learn from it. So i prayed and prayed and nothing for a while and that was fine. I wasn’t wanting it in my timing, only when God would see fit. And one day, a rough day, i woke up and i was being placed in a chair and then into the ambulance. The paramedics were guessing what was happening to me whether it was a stroke, a brain aneurysm and so on. I could do nothing and say nothing. We got to the hospital and people were sticking flashlights in my eyes and asking me a million questions which makes no sense because i couldn’t talk and they knew that. But i lay there and one by one my family and friends came into my room. They all came in with the same look on their face. Terrified that i was dying. When my body decided to finally work again, i finally got to go home. With no explanation from the doctors about why this happened to me. This whole thing felt like a dream. and i felt like i was there for days but actually was only one night. So i finally get to go home to my baby and i’m sitting on the couch, my close friends, sister and mom were over just talking and suddenly i notice my hands started to curl up into my wrist and getting very tight. I asked to be placed on the floor because i felt i needed to stretch. So my friends moved me to the floor and stretchhhh, seizure. I immediately started seizing and its not stopping and that moment my mom was back with food and asked the girls to help her try and move me to the car. They finally get me to the car and my body doesn’t fit in the car. My legs and feet where to stiff to close the doors so again they call the ambulance. This time around the paramedics were so much better. This was about 13 hours after it all began. Back to the hospital we go and i wake up three days later with no idea of what is going on. Later on found out that i had been seizing none stop the last three days and was on an intense dose of medication which made me have no memory of those days. And shortly after i woke up i continued to siezure. These “episodes” (the doctors like to call them that.) lasted anywhere from 36 minutes to 50 seconds. All day long. Couldn’t have more than one person in the room or i’d seizure, could not be on my phone or i’d seizure, couldn’t be in the sunlight, or listen to music or watch a movie or get too little sleep and so on and so on. And one day i had finally convinced my family and doctor to let me go outside to get some air and i’m sitting there and all of a sudden i see this guy that looks familiar. He’s hooked up to an IV pole with multiple tubes hanging off his arms and legs. I looked at him and said his name, and he looked up and said mine and i had not seen this guy in years! We started talking and i asked him what he was in for and he said “i have a massive brain tumor. The doctors said i was supposed to die two months ago all ready.” My heart sank and all i could think about was do you know Jesus and do you know where you are going. I went to bed that night very eager to wake up and go find him again. I asked my mom to ask his mom if she ran into her just to ask if he knows Jesus. And she comes to my bed the next morning and says BELL! He knows Jesus. After that i could not wait to talk to him more. We would sneak outside and talk for a long time about how we both felt about our situations. It was refreshing. He started to have this light to him that i just loved. He started planning things for when he would get out and talk about how me and him where going to go on a trip to his home. He was so pumped to be able to start over and he was giving me that exact same feeling. I got out of the hospital after 8 long but great days and the next day i asked my sister to drive me back and i was back sitting outside with him and just talking. When i got to the hospital and seen him the first time my heart broke #1 it looked like he thought he had already died and #2 it looked like he had given up. Given up on himself and God’s ability to heal him. And it broke my heart but the more and more i seen him, he seemed to get brighter. And happier. He started setting goals for himself and all sorts. And then three months later after so many talks and becoming too close to him, one very hard long day he passed away, and got to meet his father. He was finally able to be free from this world of sin and pain. He was finally able to fly! And see this world that had been waiting for him all along.

The way i think about death is very different then most people. Well everyone that i know anyways. Every person that came into my room that day had this “look” on their face. I couldn’t speak or move as i’ve previously mentioned and they looked terrified. I hated it. At the beginning of my little journey i was terrified because i had no idea about what was going on around me or with myself. My own body. But then i got to this place and i just shut my eyes and talked to my Heavenly Father. I suddenly felt this amazing peace come over me and i suddenly was not scared. Not even for a second. Seeing everyone that came to see me with this fear of me dying on their face made me sad, because when i seen nathan the first time that is how i felt. I felt scared for him because i didn’t know where he was going. But by the end of his life i was jumping for joy for him because he was free and i can feel good knowing where he went. When my family and friends seen me they had fear. I am a strong believer in my Lord and everyone that comes in contact with me knows that about me because i carry him with me everywhere i go and noticing their fear made me think because they know where i’m going once i die and i do too but that day it seemed like they were scared and it all became suddenly real for them. They were afraid for me even though i was not.

When i die i don’t want people to be standing there in fear looking at me, i want them singing praises to our Father because he just took his baby girl home. Knowing that i had a full wonderful life and it was just my time. Not worrying for a second about where i went. My father is faithful, and loving. And always always there. No matter what you are doing or where you go. Doesn’t matter if you are smashed or high. God is standing there just waiting for you to open the door.

Death should not be a scary time, yes it can be incredibly sad and hard, but also peaceful. Because they could not be any safer and it’s not going to help anything you falling into a hole and routine of a zombie life. Get back up and do what you need to do before it’s your turn too! We’re each only given so little time

After a couple weeks had passed and i couldn’t stop thinking about him, and i thought one day, what was my test Lord, what do i walk away with here, and then I realized it. He was my test. He needed to be lifted up once more before he left his human body. He needed a friend. And at that time, so did i. And he was the best friend. I asked God to give me something that would open up my eyes and test my faith, and i walked away with the greatest blessing of all. Knowing God could reach someone through me. Even though he knew the Lord, we helped each other reach a new level of it, in a moment we both needed it so badly. He was a very special human. And he is missed everyday but man, i am so pumped for him!

I had no idea that day if i was going to walk away or not, but i was not scared. I was completely at peace with it. And whenever it is my time i know i will be ready! Even though i’m young and my life has barely begun, i have a beautiful baby girl and the best soon to be husband but i know both of their lives are not in my hands but in my Fathers. I cannot wait to go to my final home. This is so very temporary. We have something so incredibly wonderful waiting for us.

Don’t unpack your boxes just yet people, don’t get drawn into the worlds materialistic things, but get ready. Because our day is coming, and i think it’s sooner than we may think.

In the storm i will be with you.

Death.

There’s something weird about death. Like most of us it hits with anger, confusion and guilt as if there would have been something we could’ve done to prevent this tragedy. Death always gives me this odd feeling. Even if i didn’t know the person. It’s like i didn’t get there on time which makes no sense because it’s obviously not my job to save anyone. Really only God can do that so why do i always feel this way? this week someone in my town died from a flu and i had only seen this person a couple times around town and not in a while and suddenly like that.., she’s dead. Her time ran out and she’s gone. But when i found out that she died from the flu? like what is that? that doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes i wonder why am i still here? Like why did her life end so suddenly but yet here i am wondering why it wasn’t me instead.

Just a couple months ago I laid there completely paralyzed, had absolutely no idea what was going on and was at peace with it if i was going to finally go to my eternal home and yet here i am. Sometimes i don’t understand God and his reasoning. I don’t understand why she had to be taken from her new marriage and just beginning of her life. Why her? It’s not my place to ask questions, i mean i didn’t even know her but why her? why that day and time and from something so small? Why couldn’t i have left when i felt i was so ready?

Death. It’s sneaky and always pops up when you least expect it. It comes in rips your heart out and leaves you there empty and alone. At least that’s what the devil wants you to think and feel. And i definitely know because i’ve been there. But instead of falling down that long and dark road, i took another road. I took the road that skips the anger, confusion and guilt, and takes you where you can mourn, and i mean truly come to a point where it is okay. It is okay that they died, and it is NOT my fault in any way because i have absolutely no control over that. Instead of pushing people away and turning to the things that make you “forget” and “move on”, i got lifted up. I got to be held in love and peace. This place we talk about where it’s scary and so so lonely, the devil wants you exactly there. He wants you to feel like it’s all your fault and that it’ll never get better because you are a walking disaster. But i very strongly disagree with this. You are human. You are okay. Even if it doesn’t feel that way, i am very certain like 100% certain that you will be okay because you got the King of the world right beside you ready to catch you when you fall.

It feels like the end of the world and that nothing will ever be the same and you’re probably right on some of that but instead of sitting on it and turning into an empty shell of a human (which i mean doesn’t always sound like the worst thing, yup. been there too) that feels nothing, share your story. Help others that have been through something similar. Find that light again because i guarantee you that whoever you loved so dearly that left this earth, wishes so badly for you to be free and okay again, to have peace. Because they are fine. Its not our jobs to worry about the things that are not in our control, it’s our job to make sure our family in christ is okay and to help them see the light as well. Direct your focus on something that means something to you. Something that’s going to help you and not bring you down. This does not mean forget your loved one, it just means that it’s time to give them back to our father and live the short life we have and do something good with it. Do something that will change it for someone else. Help them to see how to take the other road. I know it seems impossible but its not. All God is asking is for you to open the door and let him help you. It is very simple. This life sucks. People die that should never die, people leave, this world is covered in sin and there is absolutely nothing we can do to stop it but what if you can just change it for one person and they help someone else and BAM ripple effect. Get up off your ass and pull yourself together, Stop blaming yourself and if there is a reason you are blaming yourself, forgive yourself because they are gone and the only thing your doing now is hurting yourself. You have got this. We’re all in this together at the end.

It’s okay to ask questions, and be confused. But please, do not let this be the end of your road. Reach out to friends, do not isolate yourself because that’s when the devil is having a party downstairs because he’s making you feel like garage and he loves that. He literally thrives from it. Remember, satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. Nothing more. Anything that is not out of love, is not our heavenly father. Take control.

Change.

You have everything you ever could’ve wanted. Making enough money to be comfortable, you have amazing family & friends and the best little girl, you have a car to get you from A to B anytime needed. You have a wonderful man. Anything and everything in your grasp.

What if someone were to take it away? Not take away your family or friends or little girl. Or even the money. But take away your FREEDOM. To being okay and being able to do the things that needed to be done at any moment, as simple as grocery shopping. And then to nothing. To have your body stop working on you and then seizure after seizure and no one knows why. To be so unpredictable, your friends are now to nervous to ask you out anywhere “incase” it might trigger a seizure. To be stuck inside your house with a 3yr old day in and day out. And NO ONE Understands. You feel alone like your drowning and no one is trying to save you. They can see you going down but it’s “not that bad” “you’ll be fine” “I wish I had your life” “your so lucky”

Yes it could worse. Way worse. And IT IS okay. My whole situation is okay. But what is not okay is when no one understands it or even tries to. When they roll their eyes at you when you want to talk about how alone you’ve been feeling or stop you in the middle of talking while your trying your hardest not to bawl your eyes out, just to tell you to stop talking about it already. That is what I am tried of. And it needs to stop. Stand in my shoes. Live my days, feel what it feels like to not be able to trust your own body because at any moment you could break down and seizure. Do that all day every single day and be okay. Be happy. Love life. TRY IT IN MY SHOES. No drivers “incase” you might seizure while driving with your baby. Everyone is busy and living their own lives while you try and figure out week after week, month after month how your daughter is supposed to get to preschool because her mom can’t bring her and everyone’s to busy. FIGURE IT OUT. BE HAPPY. STOP COMPLAINING!!! How does that work!! It doesn’t. That’s how. Everyday is hard. Waking up is hard. Going to bed is hard. Something that would help, is to not be alone. Just to see it through my eyes.

I have it good. And I do not have anything to complain about, really because IT COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE. The paralysis could have stayed, I could’ve had to stay in the hospital much longer, but I didn’t. God brought me back home , and I am and will continue to be so grateful that I did get a second chance. I am home with my beautiful daughter. But IT IS STILL HARD. And I need you to understand that. I need to let it out. Sometimes! I am not always okay and I’m not always not okay but whenever I am either, YOU need to be there and understand me.

To all my mommas.

Us moms try our hardest to be the best we can for our children. We carry and take care of them 9 months in our belly and think at the time there is nothing on earth we could ever love more. Then a miracle happens and you can finally hold that precious child. You don’t sleep or shower anymore cause there is no way you can leave your new little baby. /And frankly, that baby just won’t stop crying and you are terrified they’ll die if you leave./ You finally get a small routine going and then baby blues hits And you feel completely useless as a mother and a human being. We get past that eventually (for some anyway) and then it’s good but exhausting. Back to work after those long exhausting months. A little exciting to be back at it but also so so sad because you have to leave the best little human all day. Come home from work, cook dinner, clean up dinner and the house, bath baby, bedtime,bath yourself, kiss the boyfriend/husband, bedtime and repeat. And that’s how it goes for a while. Walking and running comes, then temper tantrums start, unnecessary crying starts, and irritation starts. But at the same time that child is your best tiny friend. //other then mr. hubby// preschool – total freak out for mother, most joy ever for child. Heartbreak. Other social activities, sports, dance etc. And of course you want your child to have everything in the world so you work to barley pay for everything. And that is only a fraction of what. Is to come. Mothers. Through all of that how is OUR attitude. What is our perception on our life, our job, our family, our past. How does our perfect little child see us. Do they see us blowing up after anything goes wrong? Or yelling when it’s not your baby’s fault? Crying? Angry? Sad? Lonely? Nothings ever good enough? Me for one, opened my eyes to a whole new thing when It hit me. My child will act however I act. And do whatever I do. She studies me, learns everything I do and I mean literally. I wanted to break down so hard. See for me, I used to carry a lot of anger towards men because when I was a young girl I was sexually abused and no one stood up for me or told me that it WAS NOT okay to do that. And so naturally I couldn’t stand any man. I thought they were all in on the same sick ass game. And when I say “used to” I mean up until a couple months ago. I held onto that hate for 16 years. And my child reflected myself onto me and I could see what a terrible example I was being. And I changed it. I was open about why I was uoset to my family and to myself and I LET IT GO. Because it is not my job to hold onto that pain and put my child through that same thing. (Pain I mean) so I changed it. And am still changing it and you know what I fail some days cause MAN KIDS ARE NUTS SOMETIMES But you know what IT IS NEVER TOO LATE. Totally crazy I know but you can actually start over whenever you want. What kind of an example are you setting for your children ladies? If their grumpy it’s probably because your grumpy too. I mean yes some tantrums are just a little crazy coming out of the child on its own but lots of the time it is us. Next time take a long hard look at how you are acting before taking it out on your child. Our job is to love and protect them. Because they are not truly ours. They are our fathers. As are we. We just got chosen to raise one of God’s children because he knew we could do it. Somehow we could. So believe that. You can do this. Doesn’t matter how bad the day, doesn’t matter how exhausting your babes is, doesn’t matter if you have all the support or none of the support. If God gave you a child, you can ABSOLUTELY do it. Don’t take no for an answer. Cause I can tell you who is putting that doubt in your head, and it is not our loving, merciful, gracious God. Can tell you that right now. You are doing great. If today was hard, Tomorrow will be better 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼👏🏼 Go and raise an amazing man or woman. MOMMAS YOU ARE 100% INCREDIBLE.

Not going back.

I used to think that I didn’t really know how to love. Like truly love. And until recently, I didn’t. I loved but not fully. Not the way God intended it for us.

Until recently I thought love was putting up with everything and taking things that should never happen. I thought that love was something you just show occasionally and that was it. Because never had I truly been shown how love was supposed to be. Nobody had shown me. And thinking back, I’m grateful for it honestly because I have learnt so much from all of that.

This is love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:4-7‬ ‭

When I read this, and could understand and see what God meant for love, it blew me away. In all of my past relationships I had never been treated with any of these things. But once I could see who I was in the Lord and who I belonged to there was no going back. My eyes where opened. And I knew exactly who I was and what I did and didn’t deserve.

I am a daughter of the living God. I am strong through the lord that lives in and through me. I am a beautiful human being and no man can ever Change my mind on that. God made me exactly how he wanted and needed me to be. And that is incredible! I was formed in his hands before I was placed in my mother’s womb. God already knew me before I was born. God knew what decisions I was going to make long before I made them. God knew I would be hurt and put down and broken over and over again but he also gave me his power to stand up after each and everyone of those times. Without me even realizing God was with with me every step of the way. Guys. God is here with me and God is there with you. And I promise you, the joy, love, peace and freedom I feel now that I see God as my father, my protecter and my provider and everything in between, there is no way I’m going back. He has blessed me in so many ways these last couple months it’s indescribable. I can’t even begin to explain the joy and peace I have. But what I do know, Is that I have never in my life been so sure of anything. I currently have $8.00 in my bank account, bills are due shortly, food is running out but guyssss I am so happy. And I have faith. Because I know without a doubt that God has got me and will take care of me in the storm.

Don’t settle for anything less then what God says you are and who you are! Don’t take anything you know in your heart is not okay. Tell your partner about it, tell them your feelings and how it is effecting you. You are a daughter/son of the most high God. If you open up the door to your heart to let him in, he will come in and Never leave you.

You deserve to be treated like a princess lady’s. because we are daughters of the king !! And once you fully understand that, no man no human ever will be able to walk on you again. Because when the Lord lives inside of you, even if you are treated badly by someone, it will have no effect on you because you know your heart and God knows your heart. And nobody will be able to change that! And it is incredible! Woman respect, appreciate and love your boyfriends/husbands! See them as God sees them!

Guys, you deserve to be treated like a prince and if there is disrespect, hurt or anything else that you feel is breaking you, stand up! You are a man in Christ and you deserve nothing but happiness! Men respect,appreciate and love your girlfriends/ wife’s! See them as God sees them!

I CANNOT say it enough.

DO. NOT. SETTLE!!!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭