This all started because of multiple reasons. One, I had a shit up bringing. I was hurt, broken down, and left with basically zero identity and terrible self esteem. Two, I trusted you to take care of me and you took advantage of me and our situation. You took something away from me when you knew I was an easy target. You knew I wouldn’t be able to fight back because I had been through it before! All those times we talked about how upset you were that I had gone through so much pain. My pain used to be your pain and now you used that same thing against me. You hurt me so bad. But yet, here I am. Waiting for you to arrive every Friday. Yesterday. Oh I do not understand yesterday. You took me out for breakfast and treated me to my favourite store, you sing and dance with me and just make everything feel okay again. But then today. Today we woke up back to how we usually co-exist. Back to awkward eye contact , no physical contact and having little to any conversation. You are leaving tomorrow morning again until Friday and this is how we say goodbye. Why are we still doing this when this is how we are “trying” to make it work. Is this making it work?! Cause it sure doesn’t seem like it. What are we to do now. Continue onward without looking back living this empty and dark reality or have a good hard conversation. And who is going to take that step. I look at you every week trying to get my mouth to ask you if you want to talk and so far I have been unable to. I am still choosing to love you each day. But who’s going to take that step.

I sit here and look around at all the things I once loved and lots still do. I hear her telling me about her day in one ear while trying to keep my eyes on the other one so she doesn’t feel left out or unheard while I glance into the kitchen to see you scarfing down the food I just worked 2 hours to make , eating like you hadn’t eatin in days . I try to look at you with love and understanding but you just look right through me. Like you don’t feel my pain you don’t care to see my pain. You see me as someone that will never leave you. Someone that’s not strong enough to really stand up for herself and make a change. I asked if we could go visit somewhere because I haven’t asked you for that in a while thought maybe you’d consider it but no. You just throw on that sarcastic frustrated look and give me one glance and I know my answer. Why would you even ask that. You know I don’t want to go. How dare I ask anything of you. I’m so bloody sick and tired. The thoughts are getting darker and heavier and I am too tired to try and claw my way out again. I’m just so damn tired.
Why can’t you bloody see me. what did I do to you.

sincerely , nobody

All the times you held me while I cried. The times I came running into your arms because I just couldn’t do it anymore. The days were I couldn’t find air to breathe, you came running and gave me some of yours. The tears I’ve cried in your arms could fill an ocean, the love I never had to doubt.
So how could you. How could you hurt me. I sweep the ground you walk on, I cook the hot food that fills your belly, I wash and fix the clothes you wear on your back, I nurture and love our family, I went to hell and back bringing two lives into this world and I continue to do these things for you because I thought that’s what you did when you love someone. But I never thought you’d turn around and hurt me just like the rest of them. I can’t believe you hurt me. My heart feels like it’s ripping out of my chest. I can’t breathe on my own never mind when you’re standing in the room next to me. How am I supposed to keep going when I CANT BREATHE. How am i supposed to look at you and love you day in and day out. You’re breaking me and that doesn’t even make a dent in you. Each time you come for me you take a piece.
One day you’ll have taken the last piece and I’ll be gone. how could you do this to me.

Parenting is bloody hard. It is the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me but its bloody hard.

Yes or no. Daughter asks me a question, I say no, she gets upset I tell her to quit it and she goes off to her room upset at me for saying no.

I understand tantrums, but to consistently have this fight with her is so mentally exhausting. I feel like I’m failing her everyday. Today she told me she doesn’t like me anymore, that I’m a bad mom and that shell never be a mom like me. The words coming out of her mouth broke my heart. I want to be the best mom to her but it seems like I just cant get there. Yes, she’s five and doesn’t even quite know what she’s talking about but she’s my baby. She’s the one that use to squeeze my neck so hard before bed not wanting to let go of the best mom in the whole world.

I wanna be better. I want to teach her to be kind and honest and respectful and loving and guanine and selfless. I know there’s only one way to raise her and that’s with my father by my side. God help me today to do better. Not tomorrow but right this second. Help me to listen to her when she’s speaking, help me to teach her right from wrong, help me to show love without judgement to the people around me. Help to me show her that when helping someone else, you don’t need anything in return. and help me to open up my heart and trust so she can too. I know you gifted me with the two most incredible girls for a reason and that reason being good because you are good. So guide me through my day. Don’t leave my side. Remind me to stay calm when she does something wrong. Help me take a breath when things get hard and not get upset with her. Help me to always wake up wanting to do better for my girls and husband. Thank you for giving me this day and help me to do better tomorrow if it is given.

As a little girl I dreamed of one day meeting the man of my dreams. I remember laying in my bunk bed I shared with my younger brother staring into the ceiling and dreaming of the life I one day would have. The feeling of pure bliss and everything wonderful. I remember feeling like I could not wait until I could start my own marriage and family. Which at the time I thought included a husband and kids and that was the dream. I thought I could do all the things I had to do as a child (cleaning, cooking, taking care of younger siblings and everything in between) for my husband and how amazing that would be. Except my husband would love me so good. He would save me in hard times, he would sweep me off my feet and give me the life I always layed there and dreamed about. Unlike how it was growing up. Our duties were not appreciated and we were not appreciated. Growing up where you’re constantly surrounded by abuse and no positive reinforcements your dreams start to fade away. You start to fade away. I remember when I was young and I’m not sure what exactly had happened but I had just one moment where I thought, okay this was not okay but he thinks it is okay and you cannot go against him so then it is okay. And that is now what you shape into. You work around the abuse. You become them. You become so dependent on them and their authority over you that you change everything in your body to do as they say. To not stand up. To not show or say what you want. To not think you are good at anything or are special in anyway shape or form. You grow a shell. A shell of who you where once dreaming about dancing away with your prince. You fade into the darkness. You then become an “easy” target for the rest of your life. Being trained to say yes always and never complain it’s not something you just turn off. It is programmed into your brain from young on. I never imagined being hurt the way I had been hurt. I never imagined having to be afraid to enter my home. I never imagined having to worry about tomorrow or if I’ll make it another day. I never imagined. That little girl was thrown away long ago. I don’t know my own voice and I don’t know where or how to find it.

I will be fine. I am always fine.

I’m in the dark. I’m so far in the dark I don’t remember what the light looks like. There’s fear and worry around me and no where to go. I’m alone, cold and in so much pain. These wounds just keep re-opening and there’s no one to help me bandage and heal my sores. I’m all alone. It’s so dark. I don’t know which way to go anymore. I want it to all end but if I do there’s no eternity. What do I do. Where do I look. There’s pain and hurt everywhere. My body feels so heavy from all of this pain and worry Im carrying, scared I won’t be enough for you. Scared I made a mistake. Scared you need more and I knew that from the beginning but I was selfish and thought I could do it. But now I’m trapped. Now I’m drowning with no way out. Now I’m buried so far underground I feel I can’t even touch you anymore. I don’t even know who you are. Or who I am. Why did I do this. Why am I like this. I just want all the pain to leave. I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. Please just take it all away. Take me away.

There is so much death all the time.

First dad, was too young to remember but now know how much it hurts everyday.

Then grandpa, scared me to death seeing you be put into the ground. I miss your smile.

Then Nate, we were friends, you were so nice but you gave up and ended everything before your life could even begin.

Then Brady, we hung out alot, but then we stopped talking, you changed your friend group and then you just didn’t wake up one morning.

Then Nathan, I met you when we were young, we partied together and shared many memories. Then we stopped talking and then six years later ran into each other again when we were both in the same hospital and I started to love you all over again. You were bright and full of life. You had this thing with your eyes that was so special. You fought cancer for so long and so hard. But it was your time to meet Jesus.

Death is hard. I do not like when my people leave without me. It’s something that is hard for pretty much everyone. Death is scary and lonely. But it’s life. It’s our plan. All of our tomorrows will end. And no one knows when or how. SO live each day like its your LAST day!! All of my people up there had no idea it would be there last day here on earth, one day YOU will not wake up. Not be able to hold your babies again, not be able to take your wife or husband out, not a lot of things! So do it now, stop making excuses and just do it. Do it before it’s too late. Treat your person with respect and love. Treat everyone with kindness and mercy.

And the most important part about Death is, make sure your walking with God. Make sure you know where your going. Where your going to spend your eternity. Because most of us don’t get a warning before our time comes.

Be ready!

I’m saying “I DO” in three days to the most incredible man. It’s the most overwhelming yet best time of my life. I feel like i have to do so many things but can’t get my mind straight to even start. I feel excited and nervous to start the rest of my life. Not nervous to marry my fiance, i just hope i can be the best person for him. To encourage and not tear down, to respect, to love and help him as best as i can.

Throughout all of my wedding planning + house renovations + moving, I kept thinking about you, and what you would say. It’s almost my wedding day and I wish you were here Dad. I keep thinking about the moment i’m about to walk down that isle to the man I love and not have you there to let me go. Everyone’s wondering how i’m doing and I say i’m fine but I wish you were here, with all of my heart I wish you could see me and my family take this step together. I wish I could look back and see you sitting there cheering me on. I’m nervous and I wish you were here.

“Hey Dad, I’m getting married in three days to the best man + father to our beautiful daughter, Ezmae. He works hard for his family, he ALWAYS shows up, even when not asked to. He loves me so good. He loves Jesus with all of his heart and he makes me so happy. I love him deeply and cannot wait for him to be my husband. The last year has been pretty hard. I’m trying to do my best but sometimes I just get so tired. I get tired of being a mom, I get tired of being a friend, I get tired of it all. And that’s where he comes in and makes it all okay. He’s my missing piece to this crazy puzzle called life. I love him and I know you would too. I miss you like crazy Dad.”

Wake up, open your eyes. The sun has come again and your alive. Whatever issues you got going on today, whatever your stressed about, whatever your complaining about, whatever problems your friends have or however much money you need, you are fine. Because you got another day! You have another chance to make something out of the short time we have on this earth. Tomorrow is not guarantied, take today and make something out of it. Tell people how you feel, do the things that make you happy, laugh and cry. Don’t get sucked into these worldly troubles. They are nothing and will get you no where. Worrying about something that is not in your control makes no sense and is a waste of time. Do things in life that will bring joy around you. Guys, I laid down one day and I couldn’t get back up. I had no idea what was going to happen but I wished that I had one more day to hug my people and do something that meant something. And I got it!! I woke up and every single day is a blessing. Stop stressing, stop complaining stop everything negative, Just stop it. Because I promise you all of that means absolutely nothing when your laying there not able to speak or move. It means nothing. One day it’ll all turn off and then will you be ready? Would you be ready if Jesus came today? Right now? How are you living out your days?! Take control of your actions and thoughts. Be aware of who is running in your Brain. Good or bad? Jesus or Satan? Because there is no “it’s just a little bad or a little good”. There is only two. Pick who and how your going to live your life. Don’t let the things around you dictate who you are. You decide who you want to be. Be something good. Be a light to someone in need of a light. It’s not that hard when you have the biggest light of all, his names Jesus. Guys you got this, change what your doing before it’s too late.