Heartbreak

As a little girl I dreamed of one day meeting the man of my dreams. I remember laying in my bunk bed I shared with my younger brother staring into the ceiling and dreaming of the life I one day would have. The feeling of pure bliss and everything wonderful. I remember feeling like I could not wait until I could start my own marriage and family. Which at the time I thought included a husband and kids and that was the dream. I thought I could do all the things I had to do as a child (cleaning, cooking, taking care of younger siblings and everything in between) for my husband and how amazing that would be. Except my husband would love me so good. He would save me in hard times, he would sweep me off my feet and give me the life I always layed there and dreamed about. Unlike how it was growing up. Our duties were not appreciated and we were not appreciated. Growing up where you’re constantly surrounded by abuse and no positive reinforcements your dreams start to fade away. You start to fade away. I remember when I was young and I’m not sure what exactly had happened but I had just one moment where I thought, okay this was not okay but he thinks it is okay and you cannot go against him so then it is okay. And that is now what you shape into. You work around the abuse. You become them. You become so dependent on them and their authority over you that you change everything in your body to do as they say. To not stand up. To not show or say what you want. To not think you are good at anything or are special in anyway shape or form. You grow a shell. A shell of who you where once dreaming about dancing away with your prince. You fade into the darkness. You then become an “easy” target for the rest of your life. Being trained to say yes always and never complain it’s not something you just turn off. It is programmed into your brain from young on. I never imagined being hurt the way I had been hurt. I never imagined having to be afraid to enter my home. I never imagined having to worry about tomorrow or if I’ll make it another day. I never imagined. That little girl was thrown away long ago. I don’t know my own voice and I don’t know where or how to find it.

I will be fine. I am always fine.