she was 13, it was a chilly summer night and she was having a couple drinks with her “friends” outside their mothers apartment when she got a text from her boyfriend, he was 22. At this time it was 2am , he texted saying “come to my work, I’m about to go on break!”
Without hesitation, she sneaks behind the building and started sprinting toward his workplace across town. Her “friends” got into their car once they noticed she was missing looking all over town to try and track her down with no luck. She arrives at his workplace and he meets her in a field beside his work.
He starts by saying “ should we do it right now? Might be romantic to do it on the grass” she doesn’t quite know what he means but agrees uncomfortably. He then tells her to remove her pants and undergarments. Which she does, he then looks at her and does the same. He then tells her to lay down and then proceeds to do his business for a couple minutes. Then stops and tells her he needs to use the bathroom, leaving her there naked in the grass in the middle of the night. Her feeling very uncomfortable and uncertain on what is actually happening she lays there waiting for his return. He returns after 20 minutes, finishes his business and then returns to work. Reminding her before leaving not to tell a soul and promise that she won’t.
She feels dirty, gross and confused. She calls her sister to come pick her up and goes back home. Goes into the bathroom and starts to cry and break down. She notices that she is bleeding now and not sure on what to think or do about it she goes to bed. She wakes the next morning feeling less than herself and tries to forget it ever happened.
but.
She never does. She lives with it every single day, trying to think how some man stole something so precious and valuable from her when she was a child.
Something she will never get back.
Skip ahead 10 years , she’s now married with children. She awakes one morning to the feeling that something went wrong last night. Feeling as though she had a horrible nightmare. Only to later realize that it in fact was not a nightmare but reality. Her husband had taken advantage of her throughout the night. She decided it must’ve been an accident or something crazy happened like sleep walking only sleep sex and tries to forget about it. Next night rolls around and she’s feeling really uncomfortable with going to sleep as she hasn’t mentioned to her husband that she knew and remembered what had happened. She lays down and tries to fall asleep as far away from him as possible . Only to be woken up with the same thing happening again. Only she’s half awake now. Almost in that dream faze where you know what’s going on but aren’t fully awake. She can hear him grunting in her ear , tossing and turning her body as he feels. She awakes again horrified at what had gone on during the night , she tries to forget because there has to be an explanation of some kind but feels unable to ask him what’s going on because the answer might completely break her. She moves on. She stays silent for 5 years. Doesn’t tell a soul. Not even her best friends. Until her body and mind cannot take it any longer and she goes into a flight or fight mode and her body just stops. She goes numb and starts to seize. Unable to stop having seizures for weeks, no one knows why this is happening all while he is right beside her , holding her hand telling her to get through this.
Months later , shes told from a specialist that this has started happening because of her trauma , childhood trauma. She’s told by the specialist to go to therapy to get her condition under control. She tries on multiple different occasions and cannot get herself to tell anyone what’s been happening. Again she stays silent and
she moves on, trying to forget.
A year later , she wakes up again to him having his way with her while she’s asleep. Afraid of being alone if she confronts him or getting in trouble she “forgets” and moves on.
4 years later, she wakes up multiple times a month to him having her way and her just co existing as a shell of who she once was.
she is still fighting. Every single day. Hoping that he will see her as she so desperately desires to be seen and loved. As she always has.
maybe one day.
I hope that day is tomorrow.
My heart 