Tag: motherhood

when is it time

Her mom is three months pregnant, she starts to get sick and starts bleeding. Her and her husband head to the small hospital close by. The doctor checks her out and in reply tells them they’ve lost their baby. And they need to do a scrapping to remove it. Her husband looks at her and replies saying no. Just no. There is no way their baby is not perfectly healthy. And that they are leaving immediately. They leave and 6 months later deliver a healthy baby girl.

Baby is now 3 months , she gets incredibly ill. Her mom is wondering if she will make it through as such a small baby and survive this. But she does. She gets better and begins to thrive again.

Girl is now almost 2. Her and her family had a long trip to make throughout a night to attend a wedding the next day. Hundreds of miles away, the girls aunt was sound asleep when she was awoken in panic. Waking her husband and telling him that this girl was in trouble and she would die that night. Sobbing, she said she just knew something bad was about to take place. A while later that night receiving a call from someone in the family informing them that there was an accident and this girls dad had passed away in it. Taking her place is what they always said.

Shes 4. She wakes up, feeling the warmth on her face trying to collect as much strength to rise again and start her day. She immediately has a strange feeling. Running outside into the field where her brother and sister had already begun their work. Telling them that she didn’t know why she felt this way but she was certain that she would be dead in three days. They laughed at her and told her to ignore it and get to work. She heads into her day unable to escape this strange feeling of uncertainty about what was going to happen to her. Three days later and she is still there. Them laughing in her face telling her she was wrong and they knew it. Her confused as to why she was yet again spared. She was so certain, so she thought this must be yet another chance to be better.

she’s 7. She again awakes , this time having a harder time putting on her smile and getting to work. But she does it. Again she is Interrupted by the strange feeling that she is going to die. Very soon. She again goes to her siblings telling them it’s happened again and maybe this time she won’t get another chance. Them again laughing and brushing her off. She writes in her journal praying that she would be able to stay a little longer. To make sure her sister has someone there for her because she pushes everyone away without even knowing it. To make sure her big brother doesn’t hurt himself and drown in the loneliness. To make sure he knows she’s proud of him. To make sure her baby brother knows what beauty looks like even when everything around looks dark and unbearable. To make sure her mom is okay. To be there to listen to her and reassure her when times get hard. To make sure they all stay strong together. She prayed and she awoke yet again. Feeling so grateful to be there with them one more day.

It was her 14th birthday. Her boyfriend was over, celebrating her. She was surrounded by her very favourite people. She heads downstairs to go to the bathroom and is overwhelmed with the feeling that she won’t be there for her 15th. The feeling runs to deeply into her she is overtaken with tears. She sits on the floor wailing, she is certain. She wipes her tears, returns and continues on like this wasn’t overwhelming her thoughts every second that night. And every night for the next year. And then she turned 15. She made it once again.

She opens up to her mom about these instances. Her moms eyes well up with tears, then proceeds to tell her that when her and her dad began dating he revealed to her that he knew that he would not be able to to grow old with her because he wasn’t going to live into his later years. Her always confused and worried as to why he thought that and ignoring it. He died at 27. He had said that from young on that he wouldn’t be around long. And he was right.

she is now 25. She gets awoken by the sweet sounds of her girls singing in the next room. She takes a moment to open her eyes and immediately she is reminded of that feeling of utter sadness that this feeling comes with. Yet again. She is afraid she will be going home soon. But this time she’s so deeply saddened because her girls need her. They need her to be there. She feels as though she needs to write everyone letters and make sure all her things are taken care of. She doesn’t know if she’ll make it into tomorrow but she knows that each day she wakes is another day to be grateful for. This feeling hasn’t left for quite sometime. But she knows whenever it does take place, that she is ready to go home. She knows that there is a perfect time.
Not her own but the Lords.

July 8,2020

she feels as though things were finally falling into place. So many years of jumping around with so much uncertainty. She was married, living in a beautiful home with her girl and husband. Happy , genuinely. And then she found out that you were coming. They were so excited for their family to finally be growing after 5 years. The nausea and fatigue came like a heavy storm but still her heart was so excited for what was to come. You. All the things you would do. The joy you were already adding to their family.
It was Monday morning, he left for work early, before the sun arrived. She woke up with the sun on her face and excited to start a new day. They went into town to help a friend with her bridal shower, staying later to also attend said bridal shower. She ate some snacks and then went to go pee. She sat down with relief of silence. She glanced down and saw blood. Her heart instantly sank and she started to panic. She consoled herself and exited the bathroom. Asking a friend if she had any feminine product available for her to use. With concern in her friends eyes knowing she was pregnant gave her the item. Going to pack up her daughter to leave the shower, she waved goodbye with a smile on her face trying to not seem panicked and left. She gets into the car while answering all 400 of her 4 year olds questions while trying not to break down completely. She can feel the bleeding is getting worse and this baby is leaving her. She drives straight to her mother in laws home and brings her inside. Them being unaware that she is coming, they are excited to see them. She stops at the door while handing her daughter and diaper bag to her mom. Her mom looking at her with concern, she says she doesn’t want to talk about it around her daughter. She hugs her mom while asking quietly if she can have her daughter that night. That she is losing her baby and she needs the night. She says of course and she walks out while beginning to sob uncontrollably. She begins to drive, hardly able to see the roads, because the tears won’t stop pouring down her face. she drives the 15 minutes till home. Not sure on what to do or what to think she calls her husband. She is sobbing and he is concerned as to what is happening. She proceeds to tell him through her tears that she began bleeding that evening and she is afraid she is losing her sweet baby. He tells her not to worry and that everything will be fine. She agrees and hangs up the phone fully knowing that he is wrong. She sits in her car for an hour crying and pleading with God to stop this from happening. She can’t lose her. She can’t lose anyone else or she’s afraid she’ll lose herself. She finally goes inside and sits down as the stomach pain begins. She lays there bleeding, cramping and crying deep into the night. Longing for her baby to stay. Wishing her husband was there to feel the pain with her. The sun has arrived and she is not ready to greet the day. She hears a knock at the door , it’s her mom and sister. They are concerned for her. Her husband had informed them of what had been happening and sent them to check on her. She opens the door and goes back to the couch. Again sobbing uncontrollably. She doesn’t want to talk , she doesn’t want to listen. She doesn’t want anything but her baby. She lays there praying that God would save her baby. Hours go by and she heads to the bathroom to sit on the toilet a while. her cramps and stomach pain were almost unbearable. She feels the need to push and feels something about to exit her body. She reaches her hand down and felt a weight drop into her hand. Her heart breaks. She is holding her baby before she is ready to enter this world. She dreams for their life together were suddenly gone and she didn’t know what to do. She sat there holding this child, frozen. Feeling such a deep loss, like something had stabbed her in the gut.
she wraps her up and lays her to rest beneath a large tree in the yard. Alongside her daughter , they say goodbye to their baby and sister. Leaving with a huge hole in her stomach that her baby used to fill. She needs her husband. She needs someone to be with their daughter so she can grieve this huge sudden loss. She calls him, sobbing. She begs him to come home but he says he can’t because they’re 10 hours away. She goes on. Falling into a huge pit of depression. She carries on, being a mother, a friend, a sister. Putting on a brave face. Days later, he is finally coming home. Feeling like she’s lost everything while he wasn’t home made her feel alone. Isolated. He walks up to her looking at her with worry in his eyes. She wraps her arms around him and begins sobbing once again. He doesn’t understand the pain because he can’t. He wasn’t there to watch you deliver your baby. He wasn’t there to lay her to rest. he wasn’t there. There is this huge gap now between them because he can’t understand her pain and she’s upset that he doesn’t see it. They move forward , one day accidentally letting it slip that he could’ve come home when she was losing her. He could’ve taken the truck home early to be with her. But he turned down the opportunity. Telling his boss that she would be okay and that he was here to work. That coming out and entering her ears was probably the worst thing she’d ever heard. She couldn’t believe in a time of such pain and loss, he chose to stay away. He chose to leave her to handle it. Once again. She is broken, utterly ripped apart. She can’t take the pain any longer. She doesn’t know how to continue on like this. And everyday she remembers her sweet girl that left too soon. She remembers the feeling of loss that still holds tightly onto her. She feels it all each day. She gets up and she mothers , and she listens to her friends and she helps whenever able. She does it all. Even though she has no desire to live. She does it all. Knowing that their must be a reason and that God must have a greater plan that she is just unable to see in that moment. She trusts. And gives it to God each day. Praying for tomorrow to be better.

She still feels the hole that was left. The gap that is in their family. The pain of not being able to know or hold her sweet baby. The pain doesn’t leave. Each day it holds on.