she feels as though things were finally falling into place. So many years of jumping around with so much uncertainty. She was married, living in a beautiful home with her girl and husband. Happy , genuinely. And then she found out that you were coming. They were so excited for their family to finally be growing after 5 years. The nausea and fatigue came like a heavy storm but still her heart was so excited for what was to come. You. All the things you would do. The joy you were already adding to their family.
It was Monday morning, he left for work early, before the sun arrived. She woke up with the sun on her face and excited to start a new day. They went into town to help a friend with her bridal shower, staying later to also attend said bridal shower. She ate some snacks and then went to go pee. She sat down with relief of silence. She glanced down and saw blood. Her heart instantly sank and she started to panic. She consoled herself and exited the bathroom. Asking a friend if she had any feminine product available for her to use. With concern in her friends eyes knowing she was pregnant gave her the item. Going to pack up her daughter to leave the shower, she waved goodbye with a smile on her face trying to not seem panicked and left. She gets into the car while answering all 400 of her 4 year olds questions while trying not to break down completely. She can feel the bleeding is getting worse and this baby is leaving her. She drives straight to her mother in laws home and brings her inside. Them being unaware that she is coming, they are excited to see them. She stops at the door while handing her daughter and diaper bag to her mom. Her mom looking at her with concern, she says she doesn’t want to talk about it around her daughter. She hugs her mom while asking quietly if she can have her daughter that night. That she is losing her baby and she needs the night. She says of course and she walks out while beginning to sob uncontrollably. She begins to drive, hardly able to see the roads, because the tears won’t stop pouring down her face. she drives the 15 minutes till home. Not sure on what to do or what to think she calls her husband. She is sobbing and he is concerned as to what is happening. She proceeds to tell him through her tears that she began bleeding that evening and she is afraid she is losing her sweet baby. He tells her not to worry and that everything will be fine. She agrees and hangs up the phone fully knowing that he is wrong. She sits in her car for an hour crying and pleading with God to stop this from happening. She can’t lose her. She can’t lose anyone else or she’s afraid she’ll lose herself. She finally goes inside and sits down as the stomach pain begins. She lays there bleeding, cramping and crying deep into the night. Longing for her baby to stay. Wishing her husband was there to feel the pain with her. The sun has arrived and she is not ready to greet the day. She hears a knock at the door , it’s her mom and sister. They are concerned for her. Her husband had informed them of what had been happening and sent them to check on her. She opens the door and goes back to the couch. Again sobbing uncontrollably. She doesn’t want to talk , she doesn’t want to listen. She doesn’t want anything but her baby. She lays there praying that God would save her baby. Hours go by and she heads to the bathroom to sit on the toilet a while. her cramps and stomach pain were almost unbearable. She feels the need to push and feels something about to exit her body. She reaches her hand down and felt a weight drop into her hand. Her heart breaks. She is holding her baby before she is ready to enter this world. She dreams for their life together were suddenly gone and she didn’t know what to do. She sat there holding this child, frozen. Feeling such a deep loss, like something had stabbed her in the gut.
she wraps her up and lays her to rest beneath a large tree in the yard. Alongside her daughter , they say goodbye to their baby and sister. Leaving with a huge hole in her stomach that her baby used to fill. She needs her husband. She needs someone to be with their daughter so she can grieve this huge sudden loss. She calls him, sobbing. She begs him to come home but he says he can’t because they’re 10 hours away. She goes on. Falling into a huge pit of depression. She carries on, being a mother, a friend, a sister. Putting on a brave face. Days later, he is finally coming home. Feeling like she’s lost everything while he wasn’t home made her feel alone. Isolated. He walks up to her looking at her with worry in his eyes. She wraps her arms around him and begins sobbing once again. He doesn’t understand the pain because he can’t. He wasn’t there to watch you deliver your baby. He wasn’t there to lay her to rest. he wasn’t there. There is this huge gap now between them because he can’t understand her pain and she’s upset that he doesn’t see it. They move forward , one day accidentally letting it slip that he could’ve come home when she was losing her. He could’ve taken the truck home early to be with her. But he turned down the opportunity. Telling his boss that she would be okay and that he was here to work. That coming out and entering her ears was probably the worst thing she’d ever heard. She couldn’t believe in a time of such pain and loss, he chose to stay away. He chose to leave her to handle it. Once again. She is broken, utterly ripped apart. She can’t take the pain any longer. She doesn’t know how to continue on like this. And everyday she remembers her sweet girl that left too soon. She remembers the feeling of loss that still holds tightly onto her. She feels it all each day. She gets up and she mothers , and she listens to her friends and she helps whenever able. She does it all. Even though she has no desire to live. She does it all. Knowing that their must be a reason and that God must have a greater plan that she is just unable to see in that moment. She trusts. And gives it to God each day. Praying for tomorrow to be better.

She still feels the hole that was left. The gap that is in their family. The pain of not being able to know or hold her sweet baby. The pain doesn’t leave. Each day it holds on.