february 11.

every year on this day i am broken. i am lost. i am angry. i am glad. i am happy.

as a girl you dream of your dad protecting you, keeping you safe, being your best friend, a shoulder to cry on and there no matter what.

you dont dream of him leaving you behind, not being there for any birthdays, tears or laughs. you dont dream about being alone and having no one to protect you.

sometimes i like to dream about how it would be if you where here. what would you say about me, would you be proud? would you say how great i’ve been, doing everything on my own or would you say i need to change some things in my life? would you tell me you love me and wrap me in your arms?

to wonder day after day about what your hug would feel like or what it’d feel like to have someone that would always have your back. To feel protected and loved. to see the way you would look at me, the way all my friends dads look at them. what does it feel like. what am i missing.

i wish you were here. i wish you could see me now. i wish you could meet your grand baby. i talk about you all the time, she knows your with Jesus. i show her pictures of you. and tell her about how much you would love her, and that she’ll meet you one day.

Daddy i cant wait to see you. i miss you but i don’t know what i’m missing. i don’t know what the feeling is to have you.

i’m not mad that your gone, I’m just mad i’m not there with you.

I know your celebrating in heaven today.

Happy birthday daddy. Always thinking about you.

I’ll see you soon. ❤️

Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee!

You know everyone in their life at some point goes through it.

They go through times where they feel the lowest. Like they are standing still and everything’s still moving around them but no one notices your frozen. It’s the worst feeling. Feeling like your completely alone and there’s no one that could even begin to understand. Like you have done and tried everything in your power to keep your self afloat but finally your sinking.

How do you get up?

How do you continue?

Do you put your mask on and pretend everything’s okay? Do you cry in your bedroom so no ones knows or hears you? then wake up and smile all day even though you are dying inside because it’s only you and you don’t wanna bother your friends or parents because they are busy enough?

What do you do? How do you get out of that! How could you show them how you feel when you don’t even understand it yourself. How do you fully give yourself to someone when they don’t REALLY know you ? How can you blindly believe that someone truly loves you for you when they can’t see you cause you shut everyone out that might be able to see your pain. And there’s know way you can let them all the way in, incase they leave you and take your heart with.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of people telling me how happy and bubbly I am when really, I hurt. So bad.

Sometimes the most painful thing can be the best learning experience. Learn. Focus on how to forgive that incident that happened so long ago, forgive that person that hurt you so bad you don’t even recognize your self anymore. Forgive it all. The first day you say it, it won’t work. Every time throughout the day catch yourself thinking about these things, go back and forgive it. Again.

In a couple days you’ll start to believe that you could actually be forgiving that person or thing that happened. You’ll start to feel better every time. Soon it won’t be a job to remind yourself to do, it’ll be natural. And in a couple months you’ll have forgotten about whatever happened. And you’ll be able to look back and see all the things you won’t do again and all the things you’ve learnt.

Be confident in yourself and trust in the lord. Because when no one else has your back, He does. Always and forever.

Remember. Gods got it. Always.

I’ve always wanted a baby. Ever since i can remember that was the one thing in my life, i could not wait to be a mother. You know when your young and you think about it, like how wonderful it would be to have your own baby. All yours! Nobody telling you what to do and where to go, you could raise the baby how ever you thought best. I used to think that i would know what my baby would want at all times because i would be the mom and that’s how mothers intuition works. I couldn’t wait. I would have a great day just thinking about it as a little girl.

The one thing i couldn’t wait for was to come home to my baby, toddler, teenage whatever age and wrap my arms around them, knowing they have a safe home to live at with parents that love him/her. To make them feel like they can do anything in the world and no matter what happens they have me and they can always come home to that safe place.

When the doctor said “your almost six weeks pregnant”, i felt overwhelmed and completely freaked out. I wasn’t ready to be a mom yet. I was still in high school and had no idea what i was doing. This isn’t what it was supposed to feel like. It was supposed to be planned and exciting. What where people going to think about me..

Worked as a waitress until 36 weeks along. Got everything we needed. Now it was waiting time.

6 days after my due date, at 12:16pm she came. She looked up into my eyes and took my breath away. She was perfect. She was more then i deserved. in that moment everything changed. Everything. All of my priorities all the things i enjoyed before, was gone. It was all about her now. And i couldn’t have been happier.

Two weeks in, i wondered to myself why i ever wanted this. I hurt all over my body, I felt alone, I felt like crying 99% of the time. I was exhausted. I was done. But every time i’d pick her up to nurse, burp, change or just to look at her, I was good, I was amazing. In that moment everything was perfect. It was just me and her. Then she started smiling, laughing, crawling, walking, talking and as she got older everything just got better and better. Everyday I’d wake up and I’d ask myself how did i get her?

When i found out i was expecting her, I freaked out. I was so lost i had no idea what i was going to do. But as the weeks past and she came into my life, i felt confident. I knew i could do this because there was no other option. She depended on me for everything. Then i thought about when i was a little girl and all i wanted was to feel loved, appreciated and wanted. and i was now going to do everything in my power to make sure my little girl was going to get that and more.

When your at a point in your life where you think, how am i going to get through this, how can i, there’s no way, well guess what.. there is a way and you got it because God knew you could handle it. God will not give you anything he knows you cant handle. So think about that the next time your freaked out by a situation, or confused about why something is happening to you. Good or bad.

Being a young mom was hard. No doubt about it, but i did it. I’m still doing it. Everyday. And there is nothing in the world i love more then my baby. And if i could go back and do some things differently, i would. But if your dealing with something, just know. You are not alone. You never are. God is always looking out for you. Even when you feel like there is nobody.

Everyday is a lesson, make sure you pay attention and try to do it better tomorrow.

You totally got this.

You know when your young, and you feel all the confidence in the world. Like you could do or be anything, but then you hit a spot where you find yourself questioning your appearance, your ability to do something, anything.

How come we doubt our selves when someone sees us differently, either our appearances, our personalities, the way we speak or think.

How come we question if someone will like us by the way our hair looks or the clothes or makeup we’re wearing?

Why can’t we be ourselves, everyday and not doubt whether there going to look at us funny or secretly go and talk to their friends about the way we look or speak.

Is it so wrong to be your OWN person. I mean there are going to be people who love the way you look and the way your mind works but are you going to believe them?

No. Because you believe the negative over the positive because in your mind, now after every “gross” look you got from someone who frankly you don’t mean anything to, stumped you into thinking that’s who you are. You aren’t pretty enough or smart enough Or you just don’t do anything right.

But I’m honestly so exhausted from living up to other people’s standards. That’s ridiculous. Change the way you think of yourself. Because you were made the way you are for a REASON!

You are beautiful. You are perfect. You are you! And as long as you know that. Your going to be amazing. Your going to do amazing things, change lives. Just by believing in yourself .

The thing to remember is that if someone treats you badly, it’s most likely because there feeling bad about themselves and don’t want to admit it. So the next time someone says something rude or gives you that “look”,

Smile. Tell them their beautiful.

Because you are beautiful. Inside and out.

But secretly you know that already. So let yourself believe it.

It’s time.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton