So as i’ve mentioned in a previous blog, just a couple months ago completely random was doing great health wise, my body decided to shut down on me. And when i say shut down i mean literally. Couldn’t feel anything on my entire body, my jaw locked up and i passed out. And then i woke up.
So were going to go back a couple months previous to this day and i’m going to explain something.
I had been working a couple months on forgiving things people did to me a long time ago. And i was feeling very lite. i felt refreshed and new because after 18 years i had FINALLY let go. And let me just say, it is amazing to live without that fear and doubt always buzzing by your ear. Don’t get me wrong it’s an everyday battle but i most definitely know who i am now, and not just me i know who i am in the lord. Okay but anyways, i had been praying that God would give me something, anything! I didn’t say God make me paralyzed. I said God give me someone that needs to see you or give me something that will change my perspective and help me grow in my walk with you and learn from it. So i prayed and prayed and nothing for a while and that was fine. I wasn’t wanting it in my timing, only when God would see fit. And one day, a rough day, i woke up and i was being placed in a chair and then into the ambulance. The paramedics were guessing what was happening to me whether it was a stroke, a brain aneurysm and so on. I could do nothing and say nothing. We got to the hospital and people were sticking flashlights in my eyes and asking me a million questions which makes no sense because i couldn’t talk and they knew that. But i lay there and one by one my family and friends came into my room. They all came in with the same look on their face. Terrified that i was dying. When my body decided to finally work again, i finally got to go home. With no explanation from the doctors about why this happened to me. This whole thing felt like a dream. and i felt like i was there for days but actually was only one night. So i finally get to go home to my baby and i’m sitting on the couch, my close friends, sister and mom were over just talking and suddenly i notice my hands started to curl up into my wrist and getting very tight. I asked to be placed on the floor because i felt i needed to stretch. So my friends moved me to the floor and stretchhhh, seizure. I immediately started seizing and its not stopping and that moment my mom was back with food and asked the girls to help her try and move me to the car. They finally get me to the car and my body doesn’t fit in the car. My legs and feet where to stiff to close the doors so again they call the ambulance. This time around the paramedics were so much better. This was about 13 hours after it all began. Back to the hospital we go and i wake up three days later with no idea of what is going on. Later on found out that i had been seizing none stop the last three days and was on an intense dose of medication which made me have no memory of those days. And shortly after i woke up i continued to siezure. These “episodes” (the doctors like to call them that.) lasted anywhere from 36 minutes to 50 seconds. All day long. Couldn’t have more than one person in the room or i’d seizure, could not be on my phone or i’d seizure, couldn’t be in the sunlight, or listen to music or watch a movie or get too little sleep and so on and so on. And one day i had finally convinced my family and doctor to let me go outside to get some air and i’m sitting there and all of a sudden i see this guy that looks familiar. He’s hooked up to an IV pole with multiple tubes hanging off his arms and legs. I looked at him and said his name, and he looked up and said mine and i had not seen this guy in years! We started talking and i asked him what he was in for and he said “i have a massive brain tumor. The doctors said i was supposed to die two months ago all ready.” My heart sank and all i could think about was do you know Jesus and do you know where you are going. I went to bed that night very eager to wake up and go find him again. I asked my mom to ask his mom if she ran into her just to ask if he knows Jesus. And she comes to my bed the next morning and says BELL! He knows Jesus. After that i could not wait to talk to him more. We would sneak outside and talk for a long time about how we both felt about our situations. It was refreshing. He started to have this light to him that i just loved. He started planning things for when he would get out and talk about how me and him where going to go on a trip to his home. He was so pumped to be able to start over and he was giving me that exact same feeling. I got out of the hospital after 8 long but great days and the next day i asked my sister to drive me back and i was back sitting outside with him and just talking. When i got to the hospital and seen him the first time my heart broke #1 it looked like he thought he had already died and #2 it looked like he had given up. Given up on himself and God’s ability to heal him. And it broke my heart but the more and more i seen him, he seemed to get brighter. And happier. He started setting goals for himself and all sorts. And then three months later after so many talks and becoming too close to him, one very hard long day he passed away, and got to meet his father. He was finally able to be free from this world of sin and pain. He was finally able to fly! And see this world that had been waiting for him all along.
The way i think about death is very different then most people. Well everyone that i know anyways. Every person that came into my room that day had this “look” on their face. I couldn’t speak or move as i’ve previously mentioned and they looked terrified. I hated it. At the beginning of my little journey i was terrified because i had no idea about what was going on around me or with myself. My own body. But then i got to this place and i just shut my eyes and talked to my Heavenly Father. I suddenly felt this amazing peace come over me and i suddenly was not scared. Not even for a second. Seeing everyone that came to see me with this fear of me dying on their face made me sad, because when i seen nathan the first time that is how i felt. I felt scared for him because i didn’t know where he was going. But by the end of his life i was jumping for joy for him because he was free and i can feel good knowing where he went. When my family and friends seen me they had fear. I am a strong believer in my Lord and everyone that comes in contact with me knows that about me because i carry him with me everywhere i go and noticing their fear made me think because they know where i’m going once i die and i do too but that day it seemed like they were scared and it all became suddenly real for them. They were afraid for me even though i was not.
When i die i don’t want people to be standing there in fear looking at me, i want them singing praises to our Father because he just took his baby girl home. Knowing that i had a full wonderful life and it was just my time. Not worrying for a second about where i went. My father is faithful, and loving. And always always there. No matter what you are doing or where you go. Doesn’t matter if you are smashed or high. God is standing there just waiting for you to open the door.
Death should not be a scary time, yes it can be incredibly sad and hard, but also peaceful. Because they could not be any safer and it’s not going to help anything you falling into a hole and routine of a zombie life. Get back up and do what you need to do before it’s your turn too! We’re each only given so little time
After a couple weeks had passed and i couldn’t stop thinking about him, and i thought one day, what was my test Lord, what do i walk away with here, and then I realized it. He was my test. He needed to be lifted up once more before he left his human body. He needed a friend. And at that time, so did i. And he was the best friend. I asked God to give me something that would open up my eyes and test my faith, and i walked away with the greatest blessing of all. Knowing God could reach someone through me. Even though he knew the Lord, we helped each other reach a new level of it, in a moment we both needed it so badly. He was a very special human. And he is missed everyday but man, i am so pumped for him!
I had no idea that day if i was going to walk away or not, but i was not scared. I was completely at peace with it. And whenever it is my time i know i will be ready! Even though i’m young and my life has barely begun, i have a beautiful baby girl and the best soon to be husband but i know both of their lives are not in my hands but in my Fathers. I cannot wait to go to my final home. This is so very temporary. We have something so incredibly wonderful waiting for us.
Don’t unpack your boxes just yet people, don’t get drawn into the worlds materialistic things, but get ready. Because our day is coming, and i think it’s sooner than we may think.
In the storm i will be with you.
My heart 